Notes of Faith November 21, 2022
Find Grace for Guilt and Shame
Where sin increased, God’s grace increased much more. — Romans 5:20 GNT
Anthony
Growing up as the namesake of Dr. Tony Evans was hard sometimes. I saw how much my dad loved studying and school and teaching, and I grew more and more overwhelmed with the expectations I put on myself. I did not believe that I could measure up, but still, I would try to convince myself that someday I could figure out how to get a doctorate like my dad and love all the same things he does and carry on the legacy he has built.
Eventually I realized that although we share the same name, God did not build me the same way. In reality we are opposite in many ways.
I’m a creative daydreamer who feels deeply and overthinks things and communicates through songs. Being a creative soul was not cool in my school. I tried fitting in and being something I was not, but it only produced a ton of guilt and shame, and that load just kept getting heavier as time passed.
It took a lot of work and a lot of years to overcome that shame. In many ways I am still working. But that process led to a career in music, albums I have made, concerts, worship sessions. That work led to this book that you are holding right now. I would have missed so many blessings without the work.
Stacy
Shame means different things to different people, but we are not referring to feelings of embarrassment or guilt. Guilt can help us understand how our choices and actions affect others; it typically occurs when we have done something wrong or think we have. Shame is bigger and more internally focused. Shame is when we actually feel like there is something wrong with us. It goes beyond doing something wrong and says, I am wrong; I am bad.
Shame is a universal emotion — something we all have dealt with at some time or another. We can experience shame in some religious settings. Shame is a feeling that can make us feel stuck and unworthy, and it can make us avoid going to places that usually lift us up.
Anthony
Most of us who have grown up in a community of faith have wrestled with an unhealthy level of shame. We come together in groups and talk about standards, but then we go home and wrestle with our performance alone, wondering why we do not and cannot seem to measure up.
Private shame will make you a great pretender. You act like you are doing fine, but you’re not. That creates more secrecy and shame.
Stacy
I should add that there are times when it is appropriate to feel shame, but we should not allow ourselves to get stuck in it for too long. I recently worked with a woman who stole from a supermarket to feed her children. She got caught and almost went to jail. Can you imagine a more difficult situation than having hungry children and no money for food? And yet you might be put in jail and taken away from the very children you were trying to take care of.
This woman felt horrible about the choices she had made, so we talked about alternative options — how she could have gone to a food bank or found other resources rather than stealing. The important thing is to reflect on what you’ve done wrong, make a commitment to do better, and make amends the best you can.
We want to talk here about unhealthy shame. That’s what most of us get stuck in. It is when we place condemnation upon ourselves in a way that is not deserved, healthy, or productive. A lot of people fall into shame if they fail at a job or relationship. They will torture themselves endlessly, fixating on the question, What is wrong with me?
Maybe what’s wrong with you is what is wrong with us all: You are human. Humans fall short. We make mistakes. We sometimes make decisions that we think are for the best in the moment (like the woman who stole for her children instead of trying to find other ways to get help). Giving yourself permission to be human is not always easy.
The opposite of shame is grace — receiving God’s grace, offering it, giving grace to yourself for the mistakes you have made.
Anthony
We all have to make a decision: Am I going to move toward hope and use this scenario to be better, or am I going to use it as an excuse to give up? In the moment of frustration and disgust, quitting feels good.
We all struggle to believe we are worth the path of hope because the “being human” package includes our drive to measure up, which pushes us toward perfectionism. Attempting to be perfect puts us under a lot of pressure. It’s often easier to just give up. But that only causes more shame down the road.
Stacy
Constant pressure and feeling like you may not reach the bar that has been set creates a greenhouse for shame to grow wild. There is a fine line between trying to meet standards and pushing yourself into a place where shame makes it nearly impossible to get anything done.
In therapy sessions I often hear people focusing on their failures, beating themselves down because they “haven’t done right” — right by God’s standards, by their own, by their friend’s, or family’s, or significant other’s. I see a lot of clients who are carrying a heavy load of shame. The load is so impossible to carry that they seek help, and rightly so.
The opposite of shame is grace — receiving God’s grace, offering it, giving grace to yourself for the mistakes you have made.
Anthony
Before Stacy and I sat down to write this, I was walking all around my house, adjusting pictures an inch or two and nudging the books and candles on my coffee table so everything looked exactly in place. Maybe obsessing over details is a way to manage my anxiety, because I do that with my life too. I keep trying to reposition myself, nudging and pushing and trying to get things “just right.” When I am successful in that, I feel satisfied; and when I am not, it can put me right into a spiral of shame.
Let me explain. Unrealistic expectations and perfectionism set the standard within my career, relationships, emotions, and physical and spiritual life. But it can also be a source of constant shame and guilt, because I will never get all my ducks in a row. Life is never going to be perfect. Things are always going to be slightly off and sometimes simply falling apart.
Stacy had to work with me a lot concerning the balance between perfection and grace. I’m still working on it. I can’t get that perfect either.
Stacy
No one is perfect, and there’s no shame in that — ha!
Anthony
Romans 3:23 reminds us that all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory, but
Psalm 25:3 says, No one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame.
And Romans 8:1 tells us that there is no condemnation for those who live in union with Christ.
You can’t come to Jesus pretending. And you can’t hide. He already knows who you are. He already knows the mistakes you made, the ones you will make, and even the mistakes you would make if you had the opportunity.
Throughout the Bible we read about characters who experience moments of intense shame. King David did some terrible things, but eventually he confessed those sins to God and found a way to move on in his calling. He refused to sit forever in his shame.
When the woman caught in adultery was dragged in front of Jesus, He first turned His attention to her accusers. After he had done away with them, He reminded her that He did not condemn her either. He told her, “Go and sin no more”
(John 8:11 NKJV).
You can know those verses, though, and it’s still hard to get their meaning into your heart and mind. That’s why some of us need to read and repeat them again and again. Biblical truths are like stakes in the ground that keep your tent from blowing away in a storm.
God says the mistake doesn’t matter. You’re forgiven. What matters is how you handle the mistake.
Excerpted from When Faith Meets Therapy by Anthony Evans & Stacy Kaiser, copyright Anthony Evans & Stacy Kaiser.
Satan would love nothing more than for us to be overwhelmed by shame. He reminds us of our failures and sin, telling us that we are worthless and never able to be forgiven. But God says, you are mine through faith in My Son, and are forever forgiven, saved, redeemed and nothing can separate you from Me! You are indeed unique, special to God as He created you for His purposes and glory. Live your life, not trying to be someone else. Be blessed, happy and fulfilled in who God has called you to be!
Pastor Dale